Fired

Unless the box you’ve been living in doesn’t have any windows, you gotta know that things are a little tight these days. Life, and all the things make it worth living, are getting a little… well… spartan.

Several months ago, on a balmy, breeze-swept afternoon, I was summoned into the inner sanctum… the boss’s office… by his honey-voiced, vixen/secretary/ninja/body guard.

To be honest, I didn’t particularly care for the way the whole thing started.

Or ended.

“Bob-I’m-sorry-we’re-downsizing-and-we-have-to-make-some-tough-decisions-and-well-we’re-starting-with-you-thanks-for-the-nine-years-you-can-cash-in-your-vacation-at-regular-time-we’ll-get-a-pretty-dang-strong-recommendation-letter-for-you-you’ll-have-to-turn-any-company-property-before-you-pick-up-your-check-this-afternoon-stay-in-touch-good-luck-out-there.”

Damn.

Maybe it all would have a bit more palatable if my name was Bob, not Bill, and if I’d only worked there only 9 instead of 13 years. Hey…while I’m at it, I may as well say that if, at any time, he’d have bothered to look up from whatever the hell he was working on, I might have felt just a squeench* less violated.

I’m just saying…..

Having cashed my severance check for the miserly few shekels it represented, I immediately plunged, head-first, into the bone-dry, cement-bottomed pool of unemployment.

You know, on the outside chance that you're one of the 312 people in this country who still have a job, you may not realize that the employment formula of our current zesty little slice of history can be distilled into one brief equation:

If you have a job, you don’t need a job.

If you don’t have a job, someone fired your ass and we don’t want you.

Downed-sized= fired.

Restructured=fired.

Let go=fired.

Rolled-back=fired.

Temporarily furloughed=fired (cowardly implied in slightly more affable discourse)

I’ll spare you the shamefully mournful details, which include rejection, repossession, and regret. Suffice to say I’ve made some progress towards truly understanding the essence of life, and now have a more comprehensive appreciation for the few meager things necessary to sustain it.

For example:

High-quality food is vastly over-rated. I’ve learned that Pigs-R-Us, Super Sizzler Screaming-Hot Pig Skins have somewhat the same food value as steak, with the additional benefit of arriving ready-to-eat. Their incredibly spicy tang also negates the need for external heat sources, or any sinus clearing OTC remedies.

Available at the “Gimme Your $ Store” (2 bags for a buck), they are one savory way to rein in grocery costs. As a highly-under-rated (and explosive) source of fiber, each smoldering mouthful inspires the gourmand to consume several times the daily recommended amount of water.

Speaking of water, the un-bottled variety is both abundant and free, especially in winter. Like manna, it literally falls from the sky.

Really, who ever thought that one blue tarp could replace an entire house? It’s portable, easy to clean and allows for incredible ventilation.

They say a dog is 'man's best friend.' Well, it's payback time, and now you can now feed on the pets you once fed. Craig’s List offers a virtual smorgasbord of tasty pets/dining options for free.

Access to the internet (to peruse the CL menu of the day) is relatively simple if one simply sips a steaming mug of hot water (free at most sit-down coffee houses) and ‘borrows’ a little computer time from those who temporarily abandons their laptop to get a refill or visit the old pooper.

Public restrooms are available everywhere for all the socially-acceptable uses, but should not be considered an adequate bathing/laundry facilities. Use of public restrooms as temporary guest accommodations is considered a social faux pas, regardless of local lodging constraints.

As our forefathers knew, walking incredibly long distances—especially in the rain—goes a long way towards providing body the conditioning it needs to prosper, while the sheets of wind-whipped droplets offer a stimulating massage and overall cleansing shower.

The body’s natural shivering reaction to walking incredibly long distances—especially in the rain—can go a long way towards providing body the warmth it needs to function optimally.

One ‘pet’ teabag (recycled/retrieved/and retained ad nauseam) gingerly dipped and sipped for hours while sitting next to a MickeyD’s window, (where hot water is always available for free) is a flawless strategy for waiting out one massive rainstorm after another.

Burger King catsup + hot water = soup.

Burger King saltines =croutons.

Paper products you once paid good money for (napkins, bathroom, as well as facial tissue ) are available on every table, at every fast food joint in the world. Look for them in the silver/black dispenser.

The void created by the unavailability of our once treasured ‘reality television’ shows is sumptuously filled by sitting quietly in the nearest bus station and watching the.. uh.. the… well, just watching.

The temporary set-back I experienced by having my heart/future/career/life shredded, shattered and squashed by the godless corporate machine, has afforded me the opportunity to experience, and diligently strive to overcome, the images of my most deep-seated fears and terrors—the images which have breathed new life into my until-recently-dormant Tourette’s Syndrome/bed-wetting/twitch-a-thon maladies.

Life without challenges is a life unlived.

Somebody smart must have said that at one time or another. I can’t be the first to say it, and even if I did, it ain’t gonna buy me a new tarp. Mine's leaking.

No wonder so many are willing to risk all, just to immigrate to this, the land of plenty.

* squeench, adj. 1. a small amount (one of my Dad's favorite non-existent words)