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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Alpine Idol

          It began seven years ago as a joke, when, in an attempt to weasel out of his share of the bar bill, Farley McVee quite literally sang for his supper. The true measure of Farley’s hearing issues were exposed that evening, when his raspy, totally undisciplined singing sucked the last vestiges of dignity from Queen’s epic, “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

            During Farley’s 17 minute performance, milk curdled, beer went flat, dogs whined, lettuce wilted and car batteries for 100 yards died. The bartender and all but 5 of the customers fled in the face of Farley’s vocal-stylings.
            The Tavern remained hushed for several minutes after Farley concluded his vocal gymnastics. Finally, Dexter Green, with tears in his eyes, said, “Damn, Farley, I’ve heard better damn sounds coming out of a damn gutted moose. I’ll pay your damn tab if you promise not to sing again—and what the hell do you mean when you say, gotta moosh, gotta moosh, can you do the fandango ”?

            Since then, the Alpine Tavern has become a Mecca for the talented of South Benton County, as they go head-to-head, in the annual “Alpine Idol” competition.

          Over the years, the rules have changed. Sheep shearing was added during the third season, with full-contact crocheting being introduced in season five. Last season’s proposed Cat-skeet shooting project never got off the drawing board, when over 75 auditions were requested. The disturbing audition tapes submitted, left little doubt to the entertainment trend sweeping the community.

             Who knew?

           Dexter and Scooter James are the full time judges, with a series of ‘guest judges’ wandering in and out throughout the season. Dexter’s habit of spitting on the boots of any judges who disagree with him, keeps the judge pool fluid and fast-stepping.

            Farley was crowned the first season winner, effectively barring him from ever competing again. Most afternoons, Dex and Scooter can be found closely studying the Ellen show, searching out new, innovative musical and entertainment trends.

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