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Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Savage Severance

Are you looking for an over-the-hill, never-seen-the-top, bad-attitude-oozing employee?

Are you looking for someone to shred into a million pieces, right in front of the entire staff?

Are you looking for a total loser to function as the perfect bad-example, and ‘this is what will happen to you if you don’t straighten up’?

I’m here.

I have served as the sacrificial lamb so many times, my clothes smell like mint jelly. The formula is flawless and refined over 30+ years of submissive rejection at the hands of the corporate titans.

Think of it… for a mere pittance, you can send a company/crew wide message that even the most clueless employee can’t miss.

My hold-harmless clause absolves you of any language, insults or flying globules of spittle you care to rain down on me.

I have portrayed entry-level workers, new-hire execs, janitors, salesmen, lawyers, auditors, delivery drivers, and…even a member of the clergy on one memorable assignment. I am who you need me to be.

I can—and will—weep on command, humbly beseeching you for a modicum of mercy-all to no avail. I tremble, quake, shiver, tremble, quake, quiver, shudder, wobble and snivel in the face of your fiery onslaught.

You will shock a new level of awareness into your staff, all while raising your street rep.

My floating price schedule allows for everything from entry-level ejections, to the crown jewel, the sobbing, whimpering, bladder-leaking, ‘dead-man-walking’ stagger to the front door.

We live in an era of uncertainty, and it’s imperative to squeeze every last drop of effort from each and every one of your staff. Face it, donuts in the break room and a card on their birthday do absolutely nothing to inspire employees to new, frantic attempts at single handedly raising the entire corporate bar.

Here’s your one shot at raising your image, while sending a frozen, barbed harpoon into the collective psyche of your company. Gain a new-found level of respect, financed by the gut-wrenching, bowel-quivering fear of you crew.

Video tapes, highlighting what I must honestly confess to be some of my more stellar performances are available to potential clients.

Admit it…you’ve secretly always wanted to nuke someone in public. Here’s your chance.

Squirt me an email. Let’s talk about your new image.

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