Bart's Chalkboard wisdom...

I am not the new Dalai Lama

My butt does not deserve a website

There was no Roman god named "Fartacus"

It does not suck to be you

I cannot absolve

Loose teeth don't need my help

I have neither been there nor done that

Goldfish don't bounce

Fridays are not "pants optional"

Pork is not a verb

I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize

I won't not use no double negatives

I can't see dead people

I will not sell my kidney on eBay

I will stop phoning it in

Class clown is not a paid position

Substitute teachers are not scabs

My suspension was not "mutual"

A belch is not an oral report

"Non-Flammable" is not a challenge

I was not touched "there" by an angel

I am not here on a fartball scholarship

I will not surprise the incontinent

I will not obey the voices in my head

The capital of Montana is not "Hannah"

Candy canes are not elf bones

I did not see Elvis

I will not encourage others to fly

I will not grease the monkey bars

I am not a dentist

I will not torment the emotionally frail

I will not spin the turtle

I will not use abbrev.

I will not hang donuts on my person

I am not a lean mean spitting machine

Hamsters cannot fly.

I am not deliciously saucy.

I will not instigate revolution.

I will only provide a urine sample when asked

Fish do not like coffee

SpongeBob is not a contraceptive

…and although it never made it onto the chalkboard, my vote for the best Bart quote ever, is:

‘What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?

Looks like he's trying to jump over, but he can't quite make it.’