Sorry I missed your call.......

I can’t bear the thought of leaving my cell phone behind when I die. I love the damn thing. I take it everywhere I go. The thought of being without it shoots me down a slimy slope of anxiety, heartburn and random twitchiness.

I mean, I’ll miss my family and all that, but, damn, my phone has all my phone numbers, my addresses, my tunes………………..

I’m not leaving without it. I have a plan.

I’m going to lock myself into one of those cell phone forever plans with unlimited incoming calls. I’ll pay it forward for as long as possible. Next, I’ll fork over the extra bucks for the best antenna and batteries I can get. I’ll finance a small, high-efficiently solar panel to charge the batteries, and maybe a teensy little 1 watt bulb. (Yes, I’m afraid of the dark)

Then, I’m going to record a message so all my friends can stay in touch with me.

“Yo, this is Dave. I’m sorry I missed you call, but, I’m dead right now, and I can’t actually get to the phone, but if you leave a message at the tone, I’ll try to get back to you…

If I do get back to you, try not to freak out or have a cow. It’s just gonna be me, except I’ll be pretty much dead.

I’d appreciate it if someone would let me know how cool my funeral was, and while you’re at it, I wouldn’t mind hearing how Trish, the hot checker at Safeway, took the news about me croaking, and what she wore to the funeral.

Go Ducks!”

Now, all I have to do is find a cemetery next to a cell tower… any ideas?